Today the news tells me I am scheduled to be lonely
In your room I spent the last hours of past year. Still stuck in the same space I spend the first hours of the next, or the now, and how it pains that you’re not here.
As I drink more wine, eat more doughnuts, munch more chips, I can’t help but think why I miss the presence of you that makes me smile and pissed off at the same time. I often wonder why I’ve chosen this, why it has come to this. But I guess thinking about the stupid reasons have broken my sanity that I choose not to think about them. Or maybe, there is nothing really. Or maybe it’s just love. Maybe.
4 years. Today is my deadline – the day I’ve chosen to be complete and let go of whatever there is to forgo. But I haven’t, or I feel a big lump dwelling inside still. I had no plans of even writing this entry, until I saw yours. And as much as I have doubts that it might not be meant for me, I felt that it hit home. Oh, yes, it did. So it being made for me or not doesn’t matter anymore.
I wanted to tell you before you left that I was feeling butterflies in my stomach once again, the same feeling I felt 4 years ago. And 6 years ago. and 8 years ago. Yes, I think I’m liking someone again. The kind of liking I know I’ll be high on for a long time.
How I long to tell you that after four years, someone is finally taking your place in most of my thoughts. Not that he has completely taken over, just now I cried in your closet with a wine glass in my hand as a respond to that letter draft you made. But I think he’s the only one who’s actually possible to measure up to the kind of shivers I’ve been hiding from you.
I know, you are hurting. And it pains me more that you are in pain. I can never be your love, but I can always be the one that loves you despite despite. All I ask is that you love yourself above everything else. That you start to choose taking actions and live your life. Please take care. You are one great artist – a marvel. I only wish that you get the surprises you deserve this year, and in the years to come. And all I ask is for me to see and be part of those – the fruits of your sensitive heart and creative mind – in that way I can be happy in knowing that you are.
I am grateful to have you as a friend. I’ll never lose this friendship.
