Today she cried again. Since the day I met her, she has been crying, and the least I can do is listen. She reminded me of a loved buddy from long ago and now she reminds me an old self – a 19-year old runaway that didn’t know why tragedies struck everywhere.
I’ve grown up. But from time to time I let myself get confused again. The fact that it’s getting difficult to acknowledge now that I am feeling scared about the new things that are bound to happen, or not happen, really confuses me.
Life is much easier now. I’ve been teaching and loving arts with kids and fellow young artists for more than a year. Even I amazed myself. Despite the big difference of their world, the atmosphere has changed the way I see things. I am playing bigger now. I have learned to be a space and provide spaces for others. My language has changed, not literally, but in the way I take and deal with situations and consequences.
I have a wonderful bigger space I share with two of my best friends, both having their own battles in careers and relationships. I keep a lovely bratty cat with another lovely discreet one owned by my other housemate. I’ve been trying hard to be a good parent, providing them the things and love they need. When I get shorthanded, I kill myself for failing to provide enough – something I’ve always hated about my father. Sometimes I think of our contract ending and how life’s going to be after that. Sometimes I think of them deciding to live with their respective partners and how I’ll have to take that and get out of the picture. They are my home now, and I hate finding my heart another home again.
My family is getting hopeful about life – Kuya is graduating, Josh is a varsity in high school, Bunso is about to be a grade schooler, Papa’s health is getting stabilized, and Mama remains to be the core of faith that we’ll get by and be happy somehow.
I am getting better at my art skills and explorations. I plan to go back to film school, that is, if I get to save enough until May. My health, is not helping though. Diabetes is manifesting now and I hate dealing with it. A young cyst is found in my uterus while my sight is getting worse as it still burns every now and then. Asthma attacks unexpectedly, like an unwanted guest paying a visit in most unexpected times. From the money getting spent for it, to the rotting that affects my body and stamina, I feel scared of dying at 22 and not being able to live up to everything I have hoped and worked for.
I told her I like her. And every time we spend time together I see bliss and cliff at the same time. God she’s beautiful. But her tears often scare me. Do I jump if she does? I am scared that I am not ready for this, for I think she isn’t. It might be a car crash we won’t be able to survive.
It’s the 3rd day of September. December is coming soon, I can already feel the cold breeze of Christmas and the surprise punch of the year ending.
