five years sucked. five months sucks. i hope in five days, this too, shall pass.
i am sorry. i broke the rule. so i must suffer. discreetly. like it mustn’t show.
i need to remember not to forget. i need to remember the lines are there and will be there as long as I see them. as long as i keep my feet off them.
must focus. i am so messed up. haven’t i learned enough. must stay sane. must stop from feeling pain.
silence is the key. must stay silent until it goes away. i hope it does.
youareterriblymiserablymissed,youungratefulass.joke.iamjust,umm,missingyouterriblyandmiserably.you’rethemostconsistentlyinconsistentpersoni’vemet.andit’skillingmyguts.ihopesomedayigettoknowtherealspaceigotinyour”simple”life.ifthereisany,thatis.orsanaumaliskanangalangsabuhaykohanggangmaagapa.habangilangbuwanpalangangitataponatpanghihinayanganko.habangkahitpapano,dipakonakakalimotnangbuoparasayo.ohindipangaba?
In your room I spent the last hours of past year. Still stuck in the same space I spend the first hours of the next, or the now, and how it pains that you’re not here.
As I drink more wine, eat more doughnuts, munch more chips, I can’t help but think why I miss the presence of you that makes me smile and pissed off at the same time. I often wonder why I’ve chosen this, why it has come to this. But I guess thinking about the stupid reasons have broken my sanity that I choose not to think about them. Or maybe, there is nothing really. Or maybe it’s just love. Maybe.
4 years. Today is my deadline – the day I’ve chosen to be complete and let go of whatever there is to forgo. But I haven’t, or I feel a big lump dwelling inside still. I had no plans of even writing this entry, until I saw yours. And as much as I have doubts that it might not be meant for me, I felt that it hit home. Oh, yes, it did. So it being made for me or not doesn’t matter anymore.
I wanted to tell you before you left that I was feeling butterflies in my stomach once again, the same feeling I felt 4 years ago. And 6 years ago. and 8 years ago. Yes, I think I’m liking someone again. The kind of liking I know I’ll be high on for a long time.
How I long to tell you that after four years, someone is finally taking your place in most of my thoughts. Not that he has completely taken over, just now I cried in your closet with a wine glass in my hand as a respond to that letter draft you made. But I think he’s the only one who’s actually possible to measure up to the kind of shivers I’ve been hiding from you.
I know, you are hurting. And it pains me more that you are in pain. I can never be your love, but I can always be the one that loves you despite despite. All I ask is that you love yourself above everything else. That you start to choose taking actions and live your life. Please take care. You are one great artist – a marvel. I only wish that you get the surprises you deserve this year, and in the years to come. And all I ask is for me to see and be part of those – the fruits of your sensitive heart and creative mind – in that way I can be happy in knowing that you are.
I am grateful to have you as a friend. I’ll never lose this friendship.
Bukas na lang ako uli malulungkot at masasaktan. Bukas na lang. Kahit ang bukas ay hindi ngayon. O kahit kailan man.
“May nagsabi sa’kin, ang pinakamagandang kwento raw ay isunulat ng taong nagmahal… at nasaktan. Kaya, sabi niya, habang nagmamahal ka, at nasasaktan, magsulat ka. Habang masakit pa, isulat mo, habang nagmamahal ka, habang akala mo ay di ka na magmamahal at masasaktan uli ng parang ganon, magsulat ka. Dahil hindi ka na uli makakapagsulat ng parang ganon. Nakakainis, sabi ko, kasi nung pinakanagmahal ako at pinakanasaktan, hindi ako nagsulat. Nakakainis… Kaya ngayong gabi, babalikan kita. Babalikan kita kahit hindi ko alam kung magiging gaano kasakit, kung magiging masakit man, o kung magiging masakit uli, pero babalikan kita. Dahil ngayong gabi, alam ko, maisusulat ko ang pinakamagandang kwentong maisusulat ko.” (panulat ni Antoinette Jadaone)
Today she cried again. Since the day I met her, she has been crying, and the least I can do is listen. She reminded me of a loved buddy from long ago and now she reminds me an old self – a 19-year old runaway that didn’t know why tragedies struck everywhere.
I’ve grown up. But from time to time I let myself get confused again. The fact that it’s getting difficult to acknowledge now that I am feeling scared about the new things that are bound to happen, or not happen, really confuses me.
Life is much easier now. I’ve been teaching and loving arts with kids and fellow young artists for more than a year. Even I amazed myself. Despite the big difference of their world, the atmosphere has changed the way I see things. I am playing bigger now. I have learned to be a space and provide spaces for others. My language has changed, not literally, but in the way I take and deal with situations and consequences.
I have a wonderful bigger space I share with two of my best friends, both having their own battles in careers and relationships. I keep a lovely bratty cat with another lovely discreet one owned by my other housemate. I’ve been trying hard to be a good parent, providing them the things and love they need. When I get shorthanded, I kill myself for failing to provide enough – something I’ve always hated about my father. Sometimes I think of our contract ending and how life’s going to be after that. Sometimes I think of them deciding to live with their respective partners and how I’ll have to take that and get out of the picture. They are my home now, and I hate finding my heart another home again.
My family is getting hopeful about life – Kuya is graduating, Josh is a varsity in high school, Bunso is about to be a grade schooler, Papa’s health is getting stabilized, and Mama remains to be the core of faith that we’ll get by and be happy somehow.
I am getting better at my art skills and explorations. I plan to go back to film school, that is, if I get to save enough until May. My health, is not helping though. Diabetes is manifesting now and I hate dealing with it. A young cyst is found in my uterus while my sight is getting worse as it still burns every now and then. Asthma attacks unexpectedly, like an unwanted guest paying a visit in most unexpected times. From the money getting spent for it, to the rotting that affects my body and stamina, I feel scared of dying at 22 and not being able to live up to everything I have hoped and worked for.
I told her I like her. And every time we spend time together I see bliss and cliff at the same time. God she’s beautiful. But her tears often scare me. Do I jump if she does? I am scared that I am not ready for this, for I think she isn’t. It might be a car crash we won’t be able to survive.
It’s the 3rd day of September. December is coming soon, I can already feel the cold breeze of Christmas and the surprise punch of the year ending.
so there, i told alice i like her and now i am totally weirded out. the fact that it only took me a week to tell her is a bold thing. i mean, i have always fallen on the same trap of being close to someone and keeping the liking inside. now i said it. so what now? she likes someone else. or is very fond of liking a lot of people. and i think she isn’t over yet with her ex. an ex which by the way was worth 4 years of her life. wow.
i hate the fact that i am getting insecure and challenged at the same time. i hate the fact that she isn’t really an ideal someone. for one she texts in shortened form, with smileys, and she really is nice. and that’s too far from the usual snob type that i like. ewan. there is something in her.
i am confused. is this just another mikai. do i just see her through this new someone?
ewan. basta ang alam ko. nakangiti ako na nanginginig habang nagtatayp ng post na ito.
fran,
itapon mo na yang nararamdaman mo. di ka naman kase dapat nasasaktan.
Prelude
The moon has told me,
long before you came,
that you’d be a false comet.
I kept my faith,
still –
in belief of countless rotations,
and revolutions,
and our suicide to be a black hole
together,
in time and space.
But cosmos wasn’t made
for fairytales.
Infinity would never be
our forever.
We existed,
in different corollaries –
computing the impossibility,
and improbability, of our coexistence.
I met you once,
maybe –
yet only a glimpse
of someone
I didn’t know,
then eradicated
from my universe.
There was never
us,
nor you.
Pumapatak ang bawat
saglit,
sandali,
oras,
araw,
linggo,
buwan,
at taon.
Bumabahang muli ng mababagal nguni’t mabibigat na ulan
ng ikaw at ako,
noon.
Pinalalabo nito,
sa di mabilang nang ulit,
ang pagtanaw sa bukas,
at pag-akap sa ngayon.
Dahil sa pagbagsak ng ikadal’wampu’t dal’wang patak,
walo roo’y hindi ka kasama,
at sa mga susunod pang padayon.
para sayo at sa akin, sa atin.
